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| it's a been a long long while since i wrote on this thing. i would have written on the secret one except i forgot the domain name and password...again. this has got to be my 3rd secret site in a year. well i only started making new ones about a year ago or maybe a little longer. but anyhow i have the memory of fish. i hope it comes back to me, because i really liked that anonymous blog and i know for certain that it's anonymous and i really like that. come to think of it it's kind of slowly coming back to me...wait for it, ....hmmmm...............maybe if i keep writing it'll come to me.?
and...........
yea nothing, can't recall even the slightest bit of what i named it. this is going to irritate me to no end. ...........
HAA!! eureka i found it! i just needed to write i guess, can't sleep and i really want to but have way too much on my mind. this blog is pretty much useless to me now. other than for my warm up lap of typing to get my fingers on track w/ my thoughts. the hand/thought coordination is a little rusty considering i hardly ever write my thoughts out anymore. but i need to get back on it and i'm sure it'll be like riding a bicycle. i hope anyways. i'll see... | | |
| on pricks and the like
i really want to write a hateful blog about people that suck! in
particular people who don't care about others but themselves (those
selfish assholes!!!), and my personal favorite to despise (and by that
i mean irritates the hell out of me) people, specially friends, who
judge you. i hate when people judge. go fuck yourselves! you can shove
your self righteous speech up a rhinoceros' ass! as if you are so above it all and don't do
the same things! please...and people who i don't quite know what
category to put them in, yet..., but do have this to say to them: don't
tell me things you think i want to hear to make yourself feel better
about you ok. please spare me the details of how you feel bad. because
really you're just being a disingenuous prick! and i can see right
through it. i may not see it right away but sooner than later i do and
i think to myself: wow what a disingenuous prick! and no one likes a
prick. sure it's fun to watch people dance like a prick, and it's fun
to imitate and to dance like a prick is no experience like any other.
but in general nobody likes a prick. i sure don't. phew, i feel better already.
i usually don't like to write ranting blogs because i think i'm not
going to give the asshole the satisfaction of possibly knowing that
they ruffled my feathers a bit. but lately i'm starting to think that i
don't give a rats ass what said asshole and/or/assholes think.
on a somewhat different but similar note. yea that doesn't make much
sense huh? well it does to me. and here is why: the above rant is about
my present thoughts and feelings towards people and the current events
in my life and the next portion is more to do with past events.
i'm a fairly private person and i don't like to volunteer information
about myself in general. but there is a reason why i don't let everyone
in. there are very few people that i really do feel comfortable with
and that stick around. the people who i feel really see me for who i am
and despite it continue to be my friend. for the most part these people
are pretty amazing and i'm lucky to have them in my life. and then
sometimes people fall through the crack and turn out to be, well,
pricks...but the pricks are few. and i've counted my losses and have
moved on for the most part. there will always be a part of them that i
hold on to because the reason why it hurts so much is because i really
cared about them otherwise why would i care so much. i still care bout
them but i have to keep my distance for self preservation purposes.
sometimes it sucks to see or hear about them and remember the good
times but what can you do. you can't change people. sad. friends are
the last people you expect to hurt you and when they do it's pretty
hard to take in. it's just another thing to add to my list of why i
don't like to let people in. there is a certain trust that you give to
people that you allow yourself to be vulnerable to and when they do
betray that trust it hurts a lot, to say the least, and i know each
time is not the last time it will happen. i will encounter tremendous
and even more severe "hurt" like everyone else. and yea yea yea i've
heard and seen all the movie cliches of 'that's what's so great about
life', yada yada 'the hurt means you're alive' sorry to say crap, but
in all fairness crap that's true..., call me safe and boring but i'd
like to keep that down to the minimum if i can help it. don't get me
wrong i love life and value being able to feel alive, but does living
it to the fullest mean getting recklessly hurt. yea i don't think
so, not for me it doesn't.
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| there's something about writing for no one or anyone to see. well i really want to say this, but i don't want anyone to know but then i do want someone to read it at least. and have them not know what ur talking about but somewhat relate to, or even just understand a little bit?
anyhow, just putting it out there i guess.
more and more i begin to realize how much i hate to share things about myself and pretty much feelings in general. never really saw that in myself as much as i do now. i just don't like to put myself out there. maybe i just like things to be on a need to know basis. i don't think i'm a super closed off person, i just don't like to volunteer information about myself.
a friend of mine made the observation that i was scared of people. and i can't really argue w/ it.
maybe i am a little bit. people can do a lot. good and bad. and both are equally scary to me.
and it's not like i'm a super secretive person. well, ok, fine that's kind of a lie. i am. but it's not like i'm a completely different person from what people see. but then again i think it's what people don't see that counts for something too, a true window to who that person really is.
these foolish things remind me of you as billie holiday sings, sometimes those are the things that mean the most. | | |
| sooo, i made a secret account just for me to write in awhile back and now i can't for the life of me remember what it was called. ughhh...typical! just when i kinda of have the urge to spill my beans it's no where to be found. oh well, lost forever i guess. it's funny cause when i made it another person had the site name already andi was like what the heck. random. then i started reading her blog and it was semi interesting in a if you're bored you'll read it kind of way. ehhh, whatever i'll just make another one i guess? | | |
| man, the things i get myself into... | | |
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